endings and beginnings

I'm still here at the workroom right now.
Our browser at home (internet explorer) is not working well.
I can't browse along websites properly so it's only now that I have written again.

I did write some ramblings in my LJ but that's it.
I haven't written thoroughly about all the feelings, reflections and insights I've had and are experiencing ever since Christmas.

The recent Christmas was more quiet compared to the past years I've had.
It was the most different as well - with all the changes that we have experienced in our family.
I feel older. My lola and lolo are not around. The dynamics in our family is changing.
I have more responsibilities and I'm all grown up already. This time, I say this without whining.
I've accepted the fact that things will never be the same. I have moved on. I am moving on.

For New Year's eve it was also weird..weird but not exactly bad.
I've gone beyond seeing it simply as that.
I'm still very hopeful, but this time around I know there is a lot of work to be done for things to happen. It will not merely happen like in fairy tales.

I appreciate the insights I've gained from reading some books. It has shifted my perspective and shed light to my seeking soul. I'm changing. I have changed.

I remember what one of my friends wrote me in a birthday card: "Masyado ka kasi mabait, maging masama ka naman," I didn't exactly comprehend it at that time but recently I realized how I have tolerated the disrespectful actions of people towards me. I always thought that by not paying attention to those kinds of remarks and behaviors, you prove yourself a better person. "I will not step down to your level," that's what I always tell myself. However, because of the struggles I have encountered with my students, I realized I shouldn't just walk out and ignore those things especially since I'm a teacher. I don't want my boys to grow up without any sense of respect for people because I just ignored their misbehavior and disrespect. If I tolerate disrespect, I allow people to step on me. I tell them that it's okay. Now, I'm more aware and I'm grateful for this.

Teaching has lead me to transcend myself. I have discovered my strengths and weaknesses more. I've struggled with myself and now I think I've gone out of my old skin. It feels weird but at the same time exciting to be faced with more challenges ahead, knowing I've learned so much and I have grown.

I can't wait to see myself transcend once again.

For this year, I pray for a discerning, inspired and enlightened soul.

i like possibilites

=) I'm reading a yellow book right now - "The Art of Possibility" by Roz Zander and her husband Ben. I'm starting to like it. ;) It talks about creativity, thinking out of the box and enjoying your life.

I will post quotable quotes from the book once I have the copy. I'm too lazy right now to get it. I'm comfortable typing away while drinking my sweet smelling jasmine green tea.

I like the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe as well. Hehe it's such an easy read. I'm starting to like fantasy/adventure books although I'm not a fan of Harry Potter. I like the underlying themes and issues in Narnia. I like how simple the real human issues are presented and how graphic and vivid the story is presented. I can't wait for the movie.

I haven't read many books yet that I promised I would read. So many books, so little time hehe. I'm honestly not a bookworm but I realized the importance of reading books. Nakakainggit yun isang Baudelaire. I forgot his name but he was the one who always loved to read and it was cool how he knew how to do or solve many things because he was well read.

Anyways, I have had many things on my mind lately - some reflections and ramblings. I want to do many things. I want to achieve many things. I need to evaluate this year and plan for the next one soon. ;) Backtrack/Rewind then integrate and move forward. Haha alam ko may tawag dito na framework of analysis eh..hm,what was that again? Basta. I need to get some time and space to reflect,gather my thoughts, listen and discern. Right now, part of me is too excited, overwhelmed and worried.

I miss Nanay.

I'm missing Nanay terribly.

I got lots of gifts from my boys -lots of interesting and not quite typical gifts but nonetheless nice. =) (from the bird of paradise flower to the yards of peach cloth ;p)

They're not encouraged to give gifts to teachers anymore but I found it hard to say no when they give me. In general, it's hard to reject when people give or show their affection. My famous line: "Thanks, although you shouldn't have."

When I have stories like this I think of Nanay. She would get excited and happy about what I got. She was always fond of me. She always wanted me to have many things. When my sister got something, she would ask me to ask for that as well. She always wanted me to look my best and have the best. SOmetimes, she's like that to the point that it gets suffocating. I realized how she has been my security blanket all these years. That's why people see me as someone who's very secure of herself.

Nanay always believed in me despite the fact that I'm a late bloomer in many things. She never saw me as a loser. I never felt I was dumb even if I almost failed to pass Prep because I had problems with Reading. I always knew I was beautiful even if there were times I felt ugly. She would always tell me to smile because when you smile people see your beauty. I remember the nights we talked on and on about what happened over an exciting day. She would ask me questions that would prompt me to share what I experienced and how I felt about it. We would have fun just lying in bed talking until we get tired and decide to sleep. She has been my roomate for almost 2 decades! (19 years!) The longest time I was away from her was when we went to the United States for 3 weeks back when I was 12. I realized how much my relationship with her has affected who I have become. I don't want to seem too important but I believe I'm one of her missions in life. How she affected me has and still is and wil be affecting the people I relate with. I will always cherish her love for me and my love for her. I miss having her in my life. I miss having someone who is always there (physically and emotionally.) I miss having someone who accepts me unconditionally, with whom I would have all my guards down.

(I miss you Nanay. Now I can give you some of the things I used to promise to give you as a kid. I remember pointing at things in the mall and telling you that I would buy these for you when I grew up. We would pretend and dream together about the things I would afford to give you and we were content in our own small world. Now I have SM gift checks. I don't know what to do with them. Well, ofcourse I'll buy gifts and give my sisters, Mom and Papa but I want to buy something for you as well. I'll just buy something that I will give to those in need. In a sense, you're doing this act of kindness. Hay, I'm just grateful that atleast I was given the grace to say goodbye to you before the angels took you away. I fed and massaged you. I hugged you real tight and I was able to say "I love you." Then we prayed together - our last memory together.)

I don't want to be a KIA! I choose not to be one. =p

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

It's time to come back. It's time to slow down.

The feeling of taking a bath is refreshing, reawakening.

During these moments I find myself awake, I want to write.
I know I haven't been doing my best in everything.
I've been dwelling too much on the past.
The childish part in me is whining, procrastination.

I have to move on. I have to move forward.
I have to painfully let go.

Hayayay...growing up pains.

It's bittersweet but the future is also hopeful.

free day

Stress! So many issues...and the plot grows thicker every moment. Ehehe ang drama ko pero totoo.

Sometimes just laughing your heart out feels good. Going back to Ateneo was refreshing.

It felt so weird hanging out at the STrains room. I felt uh..how can I explain it. It felt weird. I wasn't part of it anymore. I felt like I was looking at something as an outsider when I used to be an insider.

Anyways, my super destresser was hanging out with one of my best buds! ;) Thanks RD! Thanks for listening and hearing me vent out all the issues tissues that are sooo bloody I just can't go on talking about it with everyone.

I used to be like this. I used to tell everyone how I felt and what was bothering me. Well, actually now, I still have that tendency but because my issues are too bloody and I'm in a different environment, it's not that simple anymore.

I just feel guilty how the people I care about whom I have had fights with sometimes seem mean or bad because I tell people about our fights.
Basta yun. Haha I'm sooo vague. Well, it's intentional I suppose. I can only be too public. =p

I was supposed to write other personal stuff but I'm hesitating.
Hm, why do I write in my blog anyways?
I don't know it's therapeutic.

I miss reflecting. I miss slowing down and enjoying each moment as it comes.
I miss walking in Ateneo at night. I miss not thinking about many things.

Hohum haha I'm sooo out of it. My mind has been boggled and battered. =p

The phone rang. Now, I'm back
Woohoo! I talked to my girlfriend ;) hehe Oh! =)
Although we talk about super heavy things as well(sabi nga natin dati OA), it still feels good after. It's because I think one way or another we're all in (the same boat...hmmm rather) the same sea with the same waves, although we're on different boats (issues.) Hehe I'm babbling again.

Anyways, I have tons to do: Two lesson plans! (one for Language: Verb Tense: Present, one for Reading: Word Analogy); I have to check a reading project (70+ papers) and writing activites but I'm in work mode right now. I've released my stress.

I just feel happy knowing I have best friends who I know will remain close friends even if we're all changing.

They say nothing is constant except change...but I want to add that Love is eternal.
Sabi nga sa isang quote I got from one of the Ignatian stuff:

"Every time you say to God: "I will change so you will love me," God is saying "you've got it wrong. You don't have to change so I will love you. I love you so you can change."

While walking after going to Gesu, I was looking up the sky. It was beautiful. If only I had a camera. The sky was light blue with light orange cotton candy clouds mixing in the background. It was getting darker. The moon was faintly gleaming. A song popped in my mind....Orange Sky =) "in your love, my salvation lies...."
Thank you Lord. ;)