tabula rasa ( to love, infinity and beyond!) =j

before the year comes to an end, there are some realizations I want to share...

+I'm grateful for the blessings God has showered me amidst trying times.
I wouldn't have coped up with everything if not for my faith. Prayers are powerful.

+I'm so happy and grateful for my life and for all those who love me and whom I love. Yes, I'm still alive and kicking! ;) (still stubborn,crazy and silly!) and I really appreciate and love all the people that have touched my life...

My family: I know we're all not perfect...but despite all the shortcomings each one of us has...I'm so grateful for the support that we have shown each other. I hope forgiveness and love will flourish in our hearts. After all the hurts, pains, joy and laughter...I think this family is destined to become better with the grace of God. I love each one of you dearly - Mommy, Papa, Ate Jack, Cathy, Anne, Sandy...I will always be here for you guys.

RD: Despite the differences (and I have to admit there were times I really couldn't understand you and we probably had opposite views...although I never really confronted you) we've made it through so much...from the conversations and lunches when we had our practicum, the frustrations, anxieties, problems, joys and silly things we've shared to each other I have grown to appreciate and love you more. I hope we'll be able to influence each other to become better people. Thanks for all the insights you've shared with me...I've learned from them. Thanks for allowing me to be your best friend. =)

O: Thanks for the remarkable friendship...for listening to my crazy, silly thoughts, for the tears we've shared, for being there just when I needed you the most. From the frustrating moments, embarassing moments and confusing moments, we have shared it all. We have grown and changed. I'm pretty sure that we will be sharing more happy, probably some sad, surprising moments together. You will always be my number one girlfriend! ;)

Abro: Thanks for our weird friendship =p haha despite everything we've been through, I'm glad we've managed to stay close friends. Thanks for being there during some of my low moments and for the comforting words you have given me. I'm grateful for you and the rest of the cot peeps (Poy, Kev, Kay, Luipox.)

T: Thanks for being honest with me. Thank you for sharing yourself to all of us. Thanks for being so passionate with what you're doing. Thanks for making me smile and making me hope that despite everything - the trials, frustrations, anxieties - everything's going to be alright. Thanks for being patient and understanding. Sorry if I have ever hurt you or made you feel bad because of the way that I talk. Although, I've been irritated with how confusing you can also be sometimes (I try to understand because you've got lots of things on your mind, lots of responsibilities) you're still my No Frontiers guy ;p

Jaybo: Although, you don't seem to be there all the time...you've managed to comfort me with your presence. I know that you are one person I can depend on when I really need help. Thanks for being the person that you are and for accepting crazy me =p I hope you'll find..or stumble upon your Sassy girl...please don't be a sassy boy...you're such a hot chick e haha kidding! I know you're destined for greater things. =) basta, walang kalimutan kapag sikat ka na (either as a hot rocker chick or management guru)...haha

the STrainers (new,old and alumni):
Indeed, you are my second family. I have grown to love you guys amidst the diversity among us. Thank you for loving STrains as much as I do. Thank you for loving me. They say every batch of STrainers have their own culture that's different from the past...I have been witness of that. From our hyper batch when I was a freshie, the pre's and mre's, the "Itaas mo" days, to the "Ibigay mo" days, STrains serves! knuckle synergy punches (there i tried giving it a name)...one thing is constant...it's the love , idealism and hope that binds us all. Continue loving, continue hoping and continue working for our vision. Love the work! Love the people!

the TNT Core '04:
Berto, super duper thank you for the friendship. =) we've been through a fast but challenging roller coaster ride. It was fun and fulfilling. For the crunch time, the overnights, the brownfriends, the super late/early morning phone conversations to discuss things, the perspiration and frustrations we've shared I have discovered what a wonderful person you are...with your oh so soft voice and sexy blengblengs...haha. I've grown to cherish you guys. Thank you for sharing yourself to me. Congratulations for our right decision of choosing the core. We may have our shortcomings but I know we all learned from the experience. I'm proud of our babies (Go Ria, Jehl and Joboy! Good luck and God bless next year!) =)

+I'm sorry for having hurt you (yellow). I never meant for that to happen. I had my doubts I've been holding back. It just exploded. I loved you and you'll never know how much. I just hope you're doing better now. I've learned from our mistakes. Thank you for everything. I hope we could still be friends.

+ Nanay, you will always be in my heart. Salamat po sa walang sawa at dakilang pagmamahal ninyo sa amin. Sorry po sa lahat ng kasalanan ko sa inyo. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko po kayo. Sana kung saan man kayo, maligaya na kayo sa Maykapal. Huwag po kayo mag-aalala, aalagaan ko ang lahat ng mga kapatid ko pati si Papa, Mommy and Daddy. I will never forget you. Salamat sa pagpapalaki sa akin ng maayos. May you rest in peace.

as the year comes to an end, I look back, knowing that I have learned so much and I'm ready to face bigger challenges ahead. I have come to realize that the secret to living life to the fullest is by loving with all your heart and trusting in God. Despite all the heartaches, pains, frustrations and failures...there is still hope. Love endures. Love changes people. It sure changed me.

I pray that everyone will have a blessed New year's eve! =)

I pray for all those people who are suffering right now..for the victims of the calamities all around. May You give them strength and hope to be able to go through everything. May you give us the grace to help these people in every way we can. Thank you Lord.

"Fall in love, Stay in love and it will decide everything." -Fr. Pedro Arrupe

the Unseen

=)

according to the Little Prince, what is essential is invisible to the eye.
I would have to agree.

I've been thinking about these things lately...
some call it ESP or magic or the power of the mind
But what I'm really curious to know is how it could be a part of me.
What am I to find?

I'm a seeker of truth.
I don't like deceit nor ambiguity.
However, the truth cannot be conceptualized in its totality.
They say hypnosis and the sort of exploration leads you to a different level of reality.
This excites me.

I've recently read the Valkyries.
I like it. =) It's so true.
Beyond the magic of Paulo Coelho's novel, there are some insights that are worth pondering upon.

Why do we kill the one/the things we love?
Indeed, it is true. One way or another, the people we love are the people we hurt the most.
But why?
I connect this with the first thing Paulo had to do to see his angel.
He had to break a pact..the pact with the darkness. What this was saying was he had to stop himself from hurting himself and from thinking that he doesn't deserve all the blessings he has. It's like with someone you love or something you're passionate about...
I don't know how to put it into words that would be logical enough right now.
I can just relate. I think we all do in some sort of way.

so many other thoughts popping in my head...
i think it's making me dizzy.
Recently, I've been feeling light-headed at times...it's scary, weird and surreal.
There was this time, I thought I would almost pass out. I was alone at National in SM. Suddenly it seemed as if my whole world was slowly blurring out and becoming vague. I was nauseated. Good thing I got a grip of myself. Thanks to my angel (msytical being! =p) I want to talk to..like what Paulo did in the Valkyries. Have you ever had that feeling fo losing consciousness? Of just falling and blacking out? It's weird. It's scary. It made my heart beat faster, it aches.

I'm going crazy ;p
I hope it's more of a sign that my soul is trying to enlarge.

Do you know that gold fishes actually grow bigger once put in a bigger aquarium?
Trying to test the waters, changing from a small aquarium to a bigger one or even seeing the sea could be overwhelming. ;) Let's see.

Maligayang Pasko sa lahat ng Pilipino! =)
"alay sa lahat ngayong pasko, ang pag-ibig ni HesuKristo...
kalakip ang dalangin, pag-asa ay buhayin, muling ng pagpalain
Hesus, ngayong Pasko."

frustrating (why can't they see i'm grown-up already)

argh! i'm not sure if "ang yabang ko." it's not like that. it's just frustrating. i've always thought that i've never really gone out that much at all.

as in, ako ang baduy palagi. the cinderella...the one who always leaves earlier or just drops by. bitin na lang palagi. hay...
i know i can't have it all... but then again why do i always have it half baked! it's bad..that i don't seem grateful for all my blessings....but i guess it's also my senior syndrome acting upon my emotions...

it's my last year. can't my dad just allow me this time? i just went to one night of caroling. (well, he's reason was i'm too tired from the first night so i shouldn't push it...but i wasn't that tired....) then the block Y christmas party....i haven't been attending our christmas party completely...that last i remember was when i was in second year and i just passed by!) (he tells me it's really dangerous these days because it's christmas and all the bad guys are out to get money)

hay...eheheh why can't I be treated like an adult! haha so ironic, i'm whining right now like a deprived kid! =p huhuhu i just want to make the most of my senior year in college. after all, i won't be spending much time with these people after. shucks....bawi na lang next time...as i always say. i just hope i really do make up for it before i graduate.

i'm really sorry for arguing with my dad. I know he just worries about me...but my sentiments with the senior syndrome is taking a hold of my emotions.

tsk...if only i had a car. it would also be easier. (but then again, my sister tells me to look for a boyfriend who has a car, like RD! Kuya nicko's super nice..ehehe they took me to eastwood last tues to have dinner! =p yumyum, superbowl! nyak hehe but it's hard for me to ask favors like that from guys..) haha i want to be an independent woman haha (all the women so independent...lala) =p but i'm ironic..i don't like guys who don't seem to care also.

anyways, i want to go to Divi! haha but i'll just commute. shucks....i'm not sure if i'll go or not...who I'm going to ask to go with me! =p O is busy today. oh well, let's see. really have to buy my gifts!

"Ngunit kahit na anong mangyari,ang pag-ibig sana'y mag-hari....sapat ng si Hesus ang kasama mo...
Tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang Pasko" =)

Maligayang Pasko!

it's harder than i thought but it's worth it

haha i'm not sure if i'm overanalyzing again or thinking too much or it really makes sense....recently i think i've slipped again.

my Stupid mouth has got me in trouble, i said to much again...talaga =p

i don't know but i seem to use wrong words for things i want to say that the impression is it's not something good. (ewan)

i won't analyze too much but i just like the ABCs of Attitude! =p haha speaking of...better start studying for Social Psych!

A-ffect
B-ehavior
C-ognition

Cognition -->Behavior --> Affect

ang cool lang ng insight. important talaga ang perspective and paradigm shift. having a positive attitude is not everything....it's also the actions.
but according to theo...dapat contemplatives in action =p

ok, will take a nap before i go to PAPJA =p
i like our STrains caroling message...especially the Ngayong Pasko & Tuloy na Tuloy pa rin =) Hopeful, i like.

sukli (baby steps)

(haha corny ko talaga ;p)

+ Think first before talking!!!
I've realized over the week that I could be very tactless...as in I don't know what comes out of my mouth! most of the time being blunt isn't the key...it's being honest and there's a difference.

+ Be more affectionate and expressive (especially to my family)
I haven't put into practice what I've learned from Stephen Covey. I should try to be more affectionate. Although I admit it's hard to be more expressive...since they all know me in the family as the rational one. (Ako ang pinaka-di malambing! I don't say I love you at all...I can count it in one hand how many times I did) It's because they may think I'm not sincere or it's weird since "i'm not like that" (and we all have a tendency to put people into categories) but in reality I do love them. of course i do. I just wish I was back in the hospital bed again where I was more affectionate and expressive. haha sabi nga repressed ;p i will try..one baby step at a time.

(this is my target for december..let's see on january)

right in front of me

i watched Munting Tinig the other day. I liked it. (besides the fact that Alessandra de Rossi didn't realistically look like she knew how to play the flute...wrong way of blowing! =)) I sort of saw myself in her shoes.

I want to be a teacher I want to teach little kids. I want to inspire people and I want to help the less fortunate.

I've thought of actually joining the JVP. Besides helping out, I like adventure and extraordinary challenges! ;)

But, one main factor that hinders me from so doing is my family.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family dearly but sometimes I think they demand so much that it hinders me from going out of this circle to help others. Sometimes it just frustrates me...I think we are fortunate enough and other people need more help.

But then I stop there. I realize that I should try to help the people around me first before I extend myself to others. How can I expect to influence and help other people when I haven't fully helped and influenced my family to be better?

Then comes the issue...why am I not effectively helping my sisters, our family? It's probably because the change has to start from me.

As Gandhi put it:
"You must be the change you wish to see in this world."

But sometimes it's just so tempting to be catatonic, to be indifferent and to stay asleep. it seems more exciting when you help out in some new place with new people. However, I realized it could also be exciting and challenging to inspire the people around me. It's about perspective.

I just hope I see it more clearly...that the change has to start from me.

" I can see clearly now, the rain has gone....all of the bad feelings have disappeared. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind...it's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day!" ;p

after all...there is always a chance to change ;) as long as you're alive.

ok, hocus focus! =p

feeling better =)

my emotions are starting to subside...it's not too confusing after all. it can be simple. i don't have to make it complicated. i'll take it as it comes. =) and i'll stop overanalyzing or thinking too much!

i just hope Griffin is okay. i haven't talked to him recently. i miss him...i hope we'll get to hang-out sometime.. i miss those memories ;) no sense in confusing him though.

things will eventually fall into place. i sincerely believe in this. although i also believe that it's up to people to allow things to fall into place.

my all time favorite prayer:
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the strength to change the things I can and
the courage to know the difference.
Amen.

i'm really blessed =)
i hope i will be enlightened with the choices i make and the steps i take.
talking helps. listening is challenging but enlightening.

i'm going to get a haircut..finally! =)
exciting ;p

confused =s

i've been thinking about doing things. like i'll write on my blog about this, maybe he's reading it and he will know how i feel. but it would just be complicated. am i the one making things complicated? or it really is? i thought of actually talking to the past in order for me to move on. i don't know...it's just plain messy...it's weird.

how can you like someone and still like another person?
love is not just a decision. but it's foundation is built on it.

all the love talk is making me dizzy, with nausea.
what's weirder is that i really care for them to the point that i'm willing to risk my life to save them? drama! or maybe i'll just be lazy..that would be the easy way out. after all they are not doing anything. it won't mean i'll stop caring for them. =p

ayoko na. i'll just stop analyzing too much.

i'm not sure the sparks are still there.
does he actually feel it? i don't know.
does he read this? half of me is wishing he is.
but again, it might just be all in my mind.
afterall, he never did say anything and i think he never will.
too bad. i don't think he knows he's the first guy i really liked and i didn't even know why. hay, let's just not go there. i'm so tempted to confront but i know he doesn't want to. i totally understand. but what will happen? can i wait? the feelings are fleeting. the distance is growing.

(sana di himayin ng mga tao 'to, please don't try to guess the people involved. i don't want that to happen. i just need to vent out all these crazy thoughts that have been bugging me, although i've stayed sane. ako pa, i'm so rational. well, that's what i'd like to think =p )

actually, this is not meant for exposure.
ehehe i just don't know how to make it private.
(uhm, ara? mig? jem? help!) hehe

ok, now i'm better. =) enough of this irrationality.